I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
