Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
