I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
