i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
