dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
