im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
