WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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