omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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