I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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