i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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