I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
