at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
