My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
