I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
