I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
