We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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