i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
