i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
