The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
