im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
