AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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