Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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