Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
