Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
