sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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