My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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