Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
