Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
