im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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