I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
