my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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