remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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