just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
