this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
