Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
