After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
