He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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