I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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