tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
