Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
