I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
