I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
