you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
