Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
