Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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