come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
