I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Who died my cat blue again?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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