On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
