I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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