Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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