You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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