Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
